Bitch Won’t Kill My Vibe

I’ve worked pretty damn hard over the past four-ish years to get down with my Zen self. I used to be loud, rude, and mean because it was “funny” I guess; got me attention. Now that behavior makes me cringe, and I really have zero desire to spend time around anyone who acts that way. Most of the people not on the same path as me kind of fell off on their own, I didn’t have to do the proverbial “cleaning house” I notice on people’s facebook feeds. Then a new challenge moved to town a couple months ago…

*I first have to say I am not putting this out there to commiserate about annoying people in our lives, I just feel like I need to vent here a little in one of my safe spots.

Ever since I started chilling out and getting on the positive express, i.e. working out that list of character flaws: judgmental, arrogant, firey temper, and so on…I have noticed here and there that “old mes” pop up just to piss me off (totally not the purpose btw). It’s like they encompass all those negative traits and display them constantly. If it’s just some random person or acquaintance, there’s an easy solution: Bye. But what if it’s someone (ok, this a family member) that I can’t simply ignore or brush off? What’s a tranquility damsel to do as to not have her hard sought serenity snatched away by the cray?

Well, I have had to majorly start to tone and flex my “spiritual muscle” these past few months. I admit, it was something I wasn’t working as hard on as I didn’t have anyone in my life really that was stressing me out much (I have gotten dang good at eliminating the nutso!). I will also confess I was distressed months before this person actually arrived here, she is that bats in the belfry status. Which, as a prior insane woman I can understand and empathize with, however I made changes because I was A. sick of being psycho and B. needed to be better for Dan, then Andy. I’ve learned fast that being around it when you’ve left it is incredibly tough in and of itself, but add to that exposing Andy to the behaviors and my stress-o-meter had been hitting far too high for my comfort. We’re talking major anxiety in the guts when I know we’re seeing her, having mean/resentful thoughts, and being a shit to Dan because he’s my punching bag when I am on one. Sorry. I amends again, Dan. Basically, it’s been miserable, so I had a long, hard talk with myself on Saturday, and ultimately came to some conclusions.

1. I have to allow my Serenity to be taken.

Nobody, and I mean nobody can take anything from me if I don’t allow it. This person will not storm in and ravage my peaceful life unless I allow her to do so. I have already quickly learned that I am a delicate, peace-loving dewdrop who is easily thrown into a tailspin by certain harsh personalities, but I will not give them power. I will weather the family time storm and come out alive on the other end.

2. Dan and I are Andy’s biggest role models.

My mum actually told this to me multiple times during my mini freak-outs. She pointed out that a couple hours (at best) a week around this person is not going to mold Andy’s personality. Dan and I are the one he watches day in and day out, so we demonstrate how to be a good person. He will see and understand the difference between calm, nice behavior and erratic, mean behavior. Kids are smart like that. I have to trust us more.

3. If I want something to change, I can change it.

This, where I am now, is not permanent, it will not be forever. I know and accept that right now, right here is where I am supposed to be. I can’t seen the purpose of being somewhere I do not love, but that is why I have to focus on the end result and have faith it will happen exactly as I desire. That’s #thesecret my friends, and I do see to believe.  I will  yank my focus back to what I want to happen rather than get stuck on hating what is currently happening.

4. I  MUST practice Gratitude.

I sincerely think most people aren’t bad or irritating because they want to be. They do all they know, how they were taught, and sometimes will never change. I have to allow gratitude to come in more often and focus on the positive aspects of people who bug me, rather than focus on all the crap they did that day to chap my ass (probably wasn’t even done “to me” in reality). At the end of the day, I get to choose if I am going to feel harmonious or horrid; my thoughts determine those feelings.

5. Just breath and hold my ground.

I do have to do some major breathing, even walking away, and that is a-ok. I also know that when I make a request as a parent and it’s blatantly disregarded that I can get firm and stand my ground. I will not be a doormat, that’s some Al-Anon sneaking in, because being a doormat sucks ass. My child, my call. Period. I have to keep some hope that eventually things will sink in, or else I’ll be a broken record and that’s annoying, but alright I suppose. I discovered another character defect is that I generally won’t stand up for myself (or I will by yelling), so silver lining is this is an excellent way to practice holding my own in a calm, respectful way.

6. Bitch Won’t Kill My Vibe.

I have a lot of really lovely, soothing mantras in my sanity Rolodex (lol, nobody uses those anymore so Idk where that came from), but sometimes shit has to get real. I doubt Kendrick and I are talking about the same things, but I think it’s in the neighborhood-ish that nobody is going to bust in and ruin our state of mind. So maybe that song will be my Game Time theme from now on, my locker room prep jam for when I need to chill out and not let anyone take my vibe.

Now, will every day be an awesome rainbow of calm? No. Will I still want to throw a throat punch at times? Probably. Most importantly, do I have to hate my life and waste it wishing away for something else and complaining? Hells no. Life is far too grand for that bad behavior, I am, “Too blessed to be stressed,” as the saying goes. I have to own that and live it despite any annoyances that come my way. That is my intention, now you all know too, so hold me accountable. 😉

Be Good, Do Good

-Chelsea

 

 

 

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About Chelsea Lai

Just a girl on her path through life; learning and loving along the way.
This entry was posted in family recovery, mental health, recovery, self discovery, self help, self improvement, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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